I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
