when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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