my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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