This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
