I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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