I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
