We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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