its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
