am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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