Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
