Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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