it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Terrible idea I love it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
