When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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