I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
