sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
