Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
