Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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