Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
