he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
