All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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