Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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