I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
