So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
