I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
