You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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