Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I skipped work to stalk him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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