My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
