I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
