You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
