Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
