Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
