if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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