twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
