just survived the first fart of the relationship.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize