I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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