We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
