I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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