I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
