I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
being pregnant is like rehab
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
