Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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