so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
