exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
