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I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her