Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
