If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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