Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
