I wish you could order shots online.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
