no, he came in my armpit
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
