Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
