Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
