I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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