I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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