I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
