Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
